Kayla Hutchens shares her practical guide for surviving and thriving when leadership is less than ideal

Working with a challenging manager can feel like you’re navigating a labyrinth without a map. Whether the issue stems from misalignment or outright toxicity, the impact can ripple through your confidence, career trajectory, and overall well-being. But here’s the empowering truth: you’re not powerless. By understanding the dynamics at play and implementing the right strategies, you can steer through these challenges with resilience and clarity. Let’s dig into what sets toxic managers apart from bad-fit ones and how to protect your sanity and career trajectory.

Toxic vs. Bad Fit: Understanding the Difference

Not all difficult managers are created equal. A bad fit manager – someone who genuinely tries but struggles to align with their assistant’s work style– can be frustrating but isn’t malicious. These managers might prefer a fast-paced, last-minute approach while you thrive on structure and planning. Or maybe their communication style is vague, leaving you scrambling to interpret their needs. The result? Friction, inefficiency, and a sense that you’re speaking entirely different languages. The good news? These situations can often improve with clear communication and a willingness to meet halfway.

Toxic managers, on the other hand, take things to a harmful level. Their behavior isn’t about misalignment – it’s about control. Whether they’re gaslighting, publicly humiliating, or creating a culture of fear, these actions are deliberate and damaging. Toxic managers sap your energy and confidence, leaving you feeling undervalued and trapped. Recognizing the difference between a bad fit and toxicity is crucial. Misalignment might be fixable with effort, but toxicity requires boundaries and, sometimes, an exit strategy.

A Tale of Two Managers: Toxic vs. Bad Fit

Let’s put this into perspective with a scenario. Imagine two managers. Manager A struggles with organization, delegating tasks verbally without deadlines or priorities. Frustrating, yes – but their intentions aren’t harmful. With open communication and effort, alignment is possible.

Manager B, however, regularly calls out your mistakes in team meetings, makes disparaging remarks, and withholds critical information. These actions undermine your confidence and create a hostile environment. This isn’t misalignment – it’s toxicity. In situations like these, setting boundaries and protecting your well-being becomes your top priority.

Why It Matters

Mislabeling a bad-fit manager as toxic – or vice versa – can lead to wasted effort and increased frustration. With a bad-fit manager, solutions are often within reach through open dialogue and collaboration. Toxic managers, however, may leave no room for compromise, making it essential to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries. Misunderstanding these dynamics can prolong the stress and make a resolution harder to achieve.

The Impacts of Toxic Leadership

Working under a toxic manager isn’t just unpleasant – it’s harmful. Let’s break it down:

Mental and Emotional Health

Toxic managers can chip away at your self-esteem. Maybe they’re constantly nitpicking your work or taking credit for your achievements. Over time, this can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression. You might start doubting your abilities or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells every day.

Physical Health

Stress isn’t just mental; it’s physical too. Headaches, insomnia, and fatigue are common symptoms of chronic workplace stress. Over time, these issues can escalate into more serious health problems. Burnout – the complete exhaustion of your emotional and physical resources – is often the final straw.

Professional Growth

Toxic managers stifle career development. They might withhold feedback, block opportunities, or isolate you from key projects. Instead of growing, you’re left treading water in a hostile environment. For assistants who thrive on being a strategic partner, this can feel especially disheartening.

Workplace Culture

A toxic manager’s behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It affects the entire office. Low morale, high turnover, and a lack of collaboration are just a few of the ripple effects. When people are too busy surviving, innovation and teamwork take a backseat.

Recognizing the Signs of a Toxic Manager

Spotting a toxic manager early can save you time and stress. Here’s what to look for:

Public Humiliation

Criticizing or undermining you in front of others.

Unrealistic Expectations

Setting impossible deadlines or goals designed to make you fail.

Gaslighting

Making you question your own perceptions and memories.

Favoritism and Exclusion

Playing favorites while sidelining others.

Persistent Negativity

Focusing on flaws while ignoring successes.

Recognizing the Signs of a Bad-Fit Manager

A bad-fit manager, on the other hand, often struggles with mismatched work styles or unclear communication. They might leave you feeling unsupported or frustrated, but their actions aren’t malicious. Here are common signs:

Clashing Work Styles

Maybe you’re meticulous and structured, while they thrive on last-minute changes and flexibility. This mismatch can lead to inefficiencies and frustration.

Communication Barriers

They might give vague instructions, leaving you to interpret their needs. Or they could overload you with too much detail, making it hard to prioritize.

Differing Priorities

You’re focused on meeting today’s deadlines, but they’re already thinking about next quarter’s goals. This misalignment can create confusion and missed expectations.

Inconsistent Feedback

One day, they praise your initiative; the next, they criticize the same approach. This unpredictability makes it hard to understand their expectations and adjust accordingly.

Recognizing these signs is the first step to addressing the disconnect. The key difference? Intent. Toxic managers aim to control, while bad-fit managers simply lack alignment. Unlike toxic managers, bad-fit managers are often open to feedback and willing to work toward better alignment.

The Importance of Self-Reflection and Self-Assessment

Taking a hard look inward can be one of the most empowering steps in dealing with a challenging work environment. This isn’t about assigning yourself blame, but about understanding your own needs and how you interact with your manager and the workplace dynamics around you. Here’s where self-reflection comes into play.

Understanding Your Needs

Let’s start with you. What do you need to thrive in a professional setting? Take the time to evaluate your preferences and working style. Do you crave structured timelines and clear expectations? Or are you more of a free-spirited worker who thrives with creative freedom? Self-reflection begins with knowing what lights your fire professionally and what douses it.

Think of this as an audit of your needs versus what you’re currently experiencing. If your manager’s style is to throw curveballs and operate without a plan, and you’re someone who thrives on structure, you’ll quickly identify the root of some of your frustrations. It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about understanding where adjustments may need to happen or if the situation is inherently mismatched.

Objectively Evaluating the Situation

Once you’ve reflected on your needs, step back and consider the bigger picture. Ask yourself: Does my manager realize the impact of their behavior, or is it unintentional? Have I been clear about my challenges and proactive in offering solutions? And here’s a key question: Are my frustrations unique to this situation, or do similar patterns show up across my career? These questions help identify if it’s a one-time mismatch or something deeper.

Look for patterns. If the same challenges arise under different managers, it’s worth examining how you approach communication or feedback –not to assign blame, but to equip yourself for managing diverse leadership styles. If the issues are unique to this role, you’ve likely found the misalignment.

The goal isn’t perfection; it’s clarity. With a clear understanding of the situation and your role in it, you can take strategic action –whether that means having a direct conversation, adjusting your approach, or planning your next steps. Self-awareness is the foundation for effective action.

Activities for Self-Reflection

To make this process actionable, engage in journaling or structured self-assessment activities. Use prompts like:

  • Describe a recent interaction that caused frustration. What triggered it, and how did you respond?
  • What specific behaviors from your manager feel toxic or misaligned?
  • What would an ideal manager look like for you in terms of communication, trust, and support?

Self-assessment exercises give you clarity on the situation, allowing you to respond with intention rather than emotion. For example, if you identify poor communication as the core issue, you can create a plan to address it directly through structured meetings, clearer emails, or requests for feedback.

The Long-Term Benefits of Self-Assessment

This process of self-reflection and self-assessment is not just about identifying issues in your current role; it’s a tool for long-term growth. By reflecting on these challenges:

  • You build resilience and emotional intelligence.
  • You learn to advocate for yourself confidently and professionally.
  • You clarify what environments and leadership styles help you thrive.

In short, self-reflection empowers you to make informed decisions about how to move forward. Whether that’s improving communication, setting boundaries, or recognizing when it’s time to leave, self-assessment helps you take control of your career with confidence.

Strategies for Coping with Toxic Managers

Dealing with a toxic manager requires resilience and self-advocacy. Here’s how to navigate the storm:

Set Boundaries

Clearly define what’s acceptable and stick to it. This might mean limiting after-hours communication or refusing to take on unrealistic workloads.

Seek Support

Whether it’s HR, a trusted colleague, or a mentor, find someone who can help you navigate the situation.

Document Everything

Keep a record of emails, interactions, and incidents. This isn’t just for your peace of mind; it’s a crucial step if you need to escalate the issue.

Prioritize Self-Care

Toxic environments can drain you. Make time for activities that recharge you—exercise, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones.

Assess Your Options

Sometimes, the best move is planning your exit. A fresh start in a healthier environment can be a game-changer.

Strategies for Coping with Bad-Fit Managers

Bad fit managers require a different approach—one that focuses on collaboration and alignment:

Open Communication

Don’t wait for them to guess what you need. Share your work preferences and ask for theirs.

Adapt Where Possible

Maybe you prefer email, but they thrive on quick check-ins. Meeting them halfway can make a world of difference.

Mediation

If direct communication doesn’t work, involve HR to facilitate a constructive conversation.

Professional Development

Use this time to sharpen your skills. Whether it’s learning to manage up or expanding your toolkit, growth can make the situation more bearable.

Knowing When to Move On

Let’s be honest: staying in a job that feels wrong – whether because the fit is off, or the environment is toxic – can weigh on your mental and emotional health. We often stick around, convincing ourselves that leaving means we’ve failed or that we owe it to the company to hang on a little longer. But here’s the reality: recognizing when to leave is a sign of self-awareness and courage. It’s not about failure or lack of ability. It’s a strength.

This shift in perspective allows you to focus on what truly matters—your well-being, growth, and future. Leaving creates space for opportunities that align with your values and career goals. Once you realize the decision to move on is an investment in yourself, you’ll see it as a step toward thriving, not just surviving.

Here’s what to consider:

Document and Resolve

Before leaving, try to address the issues directly. Sometimes, mediation or a candid conversation can lead to change.

Create an Exit Plan

Update your resume, tap into your network, and start exploring opportunities that align with your goals. Make a list of must-haves for your next role so you can ensure the workplace is a better fit.

Consider the Long-Term Impact

Staying in a toxic environment for too long can hurt your confidence, mental health, and career growth. Ask yourself if the energy you’re spending trying to fix things could be better spent elsewhere.

Exit Gracefully

Leave on good terms wherever possible. Professionalism during your departure can preserve relationships and protect your reputation.

Ultimately, knowing when to move on is about recognizing your worth and prioritizing your well-being. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is walk away from a situation that no longer serves you.

Recovery and Growth After a Toxic Environment

Leaving a toxic workplace is liberating, but it’s also a process. Recovery takes time and intentional effort.

Here’s how to bounce back:

Focus on Mental Health

Therapy or counseling can help you process the experience and rebuild your confidence.

Reconnect with Your Strengths

Reflect on what you learned and how it made you stronger. Remember, your worth isn’t defined by one manager.

Set New Goals

Use this opportunity to redefine your career path. What do you want from your next role? What kind of environment will help you thrive?

Rebuild Your Network

Reach out to mentors, colleagues, and professional associations. The connections you make now can open doors in the future.

Thriving Beyond Challenges

Here’s the truth: a bad manager doesn’t have to derail your career. Whether you’re facing misalignment or outright toxicity, you have the power to navigate the situation and emerge stronger. By understanding the dynamics at play, advocating for yourself, and prioritizing your well-being, you can turn even the most difficult experiences into steppingstones.

Remember, you are more than one job or one manager. You deserve to be in an environment where you can grow, contribute, and shine. With resilience, self-awareness, and a clear vision of your worth, there’s no limit to what you can achieve.

Kayla Hutchens brings over 20 years of experience as an Administrative Professional across start-ups, global corporations, and government agencies. She has supported diverse leaders, navigated workplace challenges, and earned four top-level certifications ... (Read More)

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