We are expected to handle sensitive matters, mitigate crises, and support our leaders without letting the weight of it all consume us, explains Melinda Vail Goodnight
We, as Assistants and Executive Assistants (EAs), often take pride in our responsibilities and obligations to our leaders, our teams, and our companies. However, I would like to challenge you to replace the words “responsibilities” and “obligations” with “burden”.
- Responsibility = Something you should do (internal accountability)
- Obligation = A duty or requirement (neutral or positive)
- Burden = A heavy or difficult responsibility (negative or stressful)
As Executive Assistants, we seldom discuss the unspoken burdens of the job – the duties beyond our job descriptions, the weight of confidentiality, and the ethical dilemmas we silently carry. I’m not naïve or silly enough to think our roles or professions are the only ones that come with heavy responsibilities or obligations, but what makes our burden unique is the deep level of trust and access we are granted. We are often privy to information that others are not, expected to manage high-stakes situations with discretion, and required to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics – all while maintaining professionalism and composure. Unlike other roles, our challenges don’t always come with a clear set of rules or guidelines. We are expected to intuitively know how to handle sensitive matters, mitigate crises, and support our leaders without letting the weight of it all consume us. This silent emotional labor is what sets our burden apart and why it deserves to be acknowledged.
The Silent Burden of Confidentiality
In a previous role, my leader was having an affair. Not just any affair, but with the CEO. I knew, but I didn’t know. I was never explicitly asked to lie or cover for them, but I assumed that was the expectation of me. And to be honest, it made me feel important; I knew a secret, and I was trusted, until I wasn’t.
We all know how these stories end: messy. She left. He stayed. And the burden of knowing was far greater than anything I had been prepared for. Then the call from Corporate came and asked me what I knew about the relationship. It became clear they thought I was now accountable – not because I participated, but because I knew and didn’t say anything. My values and integrity were compromised by my silence.
The Burden of Knowing Too Much
Executive Assistants shoulder immense responsibilities – not just logistical, operational, and strategic tasks, but the weight of unspoken truths. We are the keepers of secrets, the silent witnesses to power plays, corporate politics, and personal indiscretions. There are things we know but cannot say, dilemmas we navigate without a rulebook.
Confidentiality is a given in our roles. It’s a core tenet of the job, an expectation we uphold with unwavering commitment. But at what cost?
We often talk about our responsibility to our leaders and companies, but what about our responsibility to ourselves? How do we reconcile ethical gray areas? How do we manage the emotional labor of carrying isolating knowledge? How do we ensure that, in serving others, we do not lose ourselves?
The Emotional Toll of the Job
We’ve heard the powerful stories of the Assistants to Harvey Weinstein, Matthew Perry, and others. I used to think I was far removed from situations like those – but am I? Are you? The emotional, physical, and psychological stress is the same, whether supporting an actor, a Hollywood director, a politician, or a manager at a small startup.
We are not compensated for the emotional weight or stress caused by our leaders’ actions, yet we tell ourselves we can handle it. And while we can, I must ask, again – at what cost?
- Our families when we come home emotionally and physically drained.
- Our relationships when we no longer have the capacity to engage.
- Our mental health, being so totally consumed by a job we’re unable to find joy or happiness in our lives.
We all want to be trusted, to be in the know, to have information before others – but this comes with a cost that, personally, I am no longer willing to pay.
Protecting Yourself
Below are four strategies I use to measure the weight of situations I face:
1. I operate on a need-to-know basis
The more I know, the heavier the burden. I focus only on what is essential to my role and supporting my leader, avoiding unnecessary involvement in matters that could compromise my well-being. I don’t always need every detail to be successful at my job. This has never been so true in my career as in the last two months. At one point I had to say, “I don’t want to know anything else today unless you need me to know and act upon it.”
2. I set clear ethical boundaries
If something or someone crosses a moral or ethical line, first, I document it and escalate it appropriately if necessary. Does your leader know your non-negotiables? Do you know them? I love the phrase “You can only expect what you inspect.” When was the last time you inspected your moral compass and what you’re willing to allow in your life?
3. I have hard conversations with my leader
Silence is not always golden. I learned a very hard lesson in remaining silent when my leader made the choices she did. My silence was taken as being complicit. Now, no matter the issue, I try hard to address it.
Ask yourself:
- Is this an ongoing issue or a one-time event?
- What’s at stake?
- How would avoiding the conversation affect the situation? The relationship?
- Can you approach the conversation calmly and constructively?
These conversations are never easy, but having the courage to speak up for your integrity, character, and values is worth it. And here’s the dirty little secret: you may need to seek excellence elsewhere (find another job). I did. It is not the end of the world and could be the best decision you have ever made.
4. I prioritize my well-being
This job is demanding, but my mental and emotional health matters. Jeremy Burrows says in his book, The Leader Assistant, that “one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my time as an assistant is this: If you want to lead well without burning out, you need help. Trying to do everything yourself won’t get you very far and certainly won’t be enjoyable. Whether it’s a career coach, life coach, physical trainer, or therapist, every Leader Assistant can benefit greatly from professional help.”
I have a physical trainer and a therapist; let me know if you need a referral!
A Call for Change
The role of an Executive Assistant extends far beyond calendars, meetings, and logistics. It is a position of influence, discretion, and trust. But that trust should not come at the expense of our integrity or peace of mind.
When my leader and I started working together here at Southwest, we did a brain dump for each other. I told him how I liked to work, and how I liked to be recognized and appreciated. What words trigger and motivate me? What saps my energy? What are my non-negotiables? What’s important to me from him? He did the same for me, and I still have his notes – and have brought them out on occasion! He knows and appreciates what I bring to the table every day, and I know on those days when he’s quiet, I stay far away.
Please remember: This is a job – we go home to a life! Don’t confuse the two.
We must start having these hard conversations, recognizing the emotional labor we carry, and setting boundaries that protect us. Because if we don’t, who will?
