Active listening is the key to lifelong learning and developing leadership skills, explains Aaron Day
I gave a speech at a conference in Ireland not long ago. In the Q&A afterwards, I was asked an insightful question.
âAaron, whatâs the most important skill you have developed in your journey to become a better public speaker?â
I love questions like this because they encourage you to look deep within yourself and offer value to the person asking the question.
Many people would give an answer to do with stage or speechcraft, or say that the most important skill learned is to improve body language, eye contact, or learning to land a good punchline (all good skills to have!).
However, after a few seconds, the answer I gave surprised both me and the person who asked the question⊠âTo me, the most important skill I have learned is active listening.â
When we think of great communicators, great leaders, and, more importantly, great friends, they often possess wonderful listening skills. They are interested in your stories; they say the right things (and ask the right questions) that help build and curate wonderful conversations; they actively listen in order to help you come to your own solutions to lifeâs obstacles and barriers.
Whilst my career in education and public speaking coaching has had potentially different scenarios to you, there are three key things I have learned about active listening that will help guide you to become a better leader to those around you, regardless of your career pathway or work sector. However, more crucially, active listening will also help you to become a better learner and award you the tools you need to expand your horizons and reach key goals in your life.
Listen to Lead
Active listening involves truly being present in a conversation. Good active listening skills allow you to understand someoneâs troubles, to gain clarity on information you perhaps didnât understand, and to build solutions that show the colleague they are valued, which in turn boosts confidence and self-belief.
Recently, in my role as a teacher, I had two students who were desperate to talk to someone about concerns they had about potentially being kicked out of the college. The college has high expectations regarding punctuality, and these two students had turned up to lessons 10-15 minutes late many times. Whilst this isnât unusual in an education setting (or many work settings!), the collegeâs leadership team wanted to have a formal conversation with them about this and to remind them about this part of the collegeâs ethos.
Rather than giving them the short shrift response of âWell, stop being late to lessons then, and youâll be fine!â, I decided to do the following:
- Learn the story so far: Find out as much as I can about the narrative of the situation. Ask open questions, tune in on the personâs body language, and maintain strong eye contact.
- Confirm understanding: Paraphrase back what I heard so that the person can address any potential misunderstandings (you can also use paraphrasing as a âmirroringâ effect that encourages the person to reflect on what they have said).
- Interrupt as little as possible: The only time I interject is when I feel the person speaking is going off on tangents that perhaps donât connect to the core of the matter.
From doing these three things, I was able to establish the following from the students:
The two students had not lived in the UK for long, and the importance of punctuality was not as significant in their culture as it is in Britain. I asked open questions that helped to identify their needs (their desire to learn about why punctuality is so important, as they couldnât figure out why so much emphasis had been put on this behaviour). Through paraphrasing, I encouraged them to put themselves in other peopleâs shoes, to understand that punctuality is an important way of demonstrating to others (particularly teachers) your respect for their lessons and the preparation they have made to provide good plans for learning.
The result? The two students went to the meeting with the confidence to acknowledge where things had gone wrong, and they in turn played an active role in building solutions to the problem. The situation was minimised and the students now have an improved experience of college, because one person took the time to actively listen.
These three principles can be easily adapted to your work or life settings. Use it as a framework next time someone comes to you with an issue or problem, and see how it can help you to motivate others and make them feel empowered.
Listen to Learn
Actively listening is critical if we want to feel present. Whenever I am around people, regardless of age, background, or experience, I always maintain the same mantra⊠âSometimes a teacher, always a student.â
This was a mantra I learned from a great friend and colleague, Jeff Douglas. If I am always maintaining a student mindset, I am often in a position to embrace my vulnerability, to learn from others, and to grow my âtoolkit.â This mindset has provided me with many fortunes, such as improving my public speaking, my work and life skills, and my empathy for others.
However, a time when active listening played a critical role in my life was in the summer of 2023, when I noticed a distressed woman sitting on the edge of the cliff paths near where I live. My concern for her pulled me towards her, like a magnet. Using the same structure as in the âListen to Leadâ active listening framework, I learned about her life, her children, what had driven her to the edge of the cliff that day, what brought her joy⊠and what brought her sorrow that she couldnât tolerate anymore.
I had remembered reading an article produced by Samaritans UK about how people who are considering suicide may feel a sense of dissociation, of not being connected to others, of feeling so alone that they feel completely within their own âbubbleâ.
My job in that moment was to connect her story to feeling present and in the moment and to attempt to burst the bubble.
My goal was not to give advice or be a âteacherâ, but to be a student and to actively listen to someone who had something to teach me. When I took that position, she was made to feel valued and empowered to make good decisions. She had taught me something about life and about seeing the world from a different perspective, and in turn, she felt able to take on the barriers and obstacles in her life, one day at a time.
Paul Dix, a school behavioural specialist and author of the book When Adults Change, Everything Changes, would describe active listening as part of âbotherednessâ, a way of showing that you care about the people that you serve.
I encourage you to make active listening a priority in your daily life and see how it helps to change your perspective on the world around you. Whether youâre a colleague, a leader, a friend, or a relative, the ability to listen attentively can have a profound impact on your relationships and wellbeing.
