Gaslighting causes a significant stress response that can overtake you, but you can also become skilled at managing it with the right preparation, explains Dr Jennifer Fraser
In 2012, I met with the leader of my workplace in his office. I had heard from over 20 individuals that four powerful managers were enacting psychological and physical abuse daily to vulnerable workers. They detailed a culture of fear, favouritism, and humiliation. The reported behaviors ranged from yelling in the face, detaining for more, expressing intense, threatening anger, berating, swearing, and a whole host of demeaning put-downs. Think homophobia and misogyny mixed in with slurs like being “pathetic,” “embarrassments,” “retards,” etc. The abusive individuals were blocking their targets from well-earned opportunities and bestowing them on their favourites. They were driving away talent, ignoring some, refusing feedback to others, and so on. There was no HR department at this workplace with hundreds of employees.
First, I went to the board and was advised to speak directly with the leader. In response to what I reported, he looked me in the eye and said mildly, “That’s just old-school coaching.”
At the time, I did not know the term “gaslighting,” what it meant, or why it was used. Ever since I was gaslit at work from 2012–2013, I’ve been trying to figure out how it works, why it’s used, and how we can survive it and minimize suffering.
When the leader in my workplace denied and dismissed the abuse I reported with “it’s just old-school coaching,” I was ill-prepared. When I look back, I should have been better prepared, but it’s fascinating how quick we are to be “blind to betrayal,” to use Dr. Jennifer Freyd’s phrase.
Why Are We Blind to Betrayal?
Because we are dependent. When you are an employee and you report to a leader in whatever capacity, to the individual who can advance or fire you, you are dependent on them to a certain degree. They pay your salary, and they can take it away. This is the tricky space you enter when someone with power, credibility, and social standing gaslights you. We don’t believe that someone with these attributes could lie and manipulate, but a quick glance at history, contemporary media, and statistics tells us that in fact, some definitely can, and they do.
Gaslighting feels like being electrocuted at first because you are trained to believe what the leader says is true, and suddenly, the “reality” they are describing is the opposite of the reality you have experienced or heard reported. I had worked with the leader for eight years, and over that time, I saw him appear truthful, manifest power, exude credibility, and communicate social standing. When someone in a powerful position tells you that you are wrong, or off, or haven’t quite understood, or have missed the point, or whatever phrase you use to try and explain the lurch, the tendency is to defer to the leader. You begin questioning yourself.
The leader has power over you and is telling you that your perceptions are wrong. You believe that something harmful has occurred, but they change the reality of it by dismissing it as just a regular thing, nothing to worry about, business as usual. Because of the power differential – essentially our dependence at work on our employer, who could advance us or fire us – your brain pays close attention to the shift in how “reality” is going to be understood and presented going forward.
Definition of Gaslighting
The definition of gaslighting that I found closest to my experience was articulated in 2022 when it was chosen as the Word of the Year by Merriam-Webster Dictionary. They chose it because the search for gaslighting had increased by 1740%. I wasn’t the only one who wanted to better understand how gaslighting works, why it’s a weapon for those who bully and abuse, and how it impacts us. Here’s what caught my eye in the Merriam-Webster discussion of the term:
“The idea of a deliberate conspiracy to mislead has made gaslighting useful in describing lies that are part of a larger plan. Unlike lying, which tends to be between individuals, and fraud, which tends to involve organizations, gaslighting applies in both personal and political contexts.”
What helps me distinguish between differing ideas about what happened, or the misuse of the term, for instance, in #medicalgaslighting, is the key phrase “part of a larger plan.” I shorten that to the concept of an agenda. When I use the term gaslighting, I mean that it is a conscious strategy or technique to advance the agenda of the one using it.
This is why for me, #medicalgaslighting doesn’t apply. Doctors make mistakes, especially about women’s health, because there’s little research into women’s health in contrast with research into men’s health. Doctors do not have an agenda. They suffer from a lack of knowledge and insight due to a failure in their education. There’s no advantage to them to misdiagnose women’s illnesses. If anything, doctors’ mistakes about female medical issues put them at risk. It doesn’t benefit them.
Pay Attention to Why Gaslighting Is Happening: What Is the Agenda?
Now, in the workplace, if your leader or even a colleague gaslights you, it’s an excellent strategy to take a step back and laser focus on what the “larger plan” might be. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are wrong and can’t trust your own perceptions. Don’t fall for the lie that you don’t understand reality and how it works, but the one with power does.
Instead, ask yourself:
- Why is the leader gaslighting me?
- What advantages does leadership gain by dismissing what I have reported or witnessed?
- What risks am I exposing leadership to by reporting my observations or what I have heard?
- Is gaslighting a way for leadership to cover up, make go away, avoid responsibility for, escape exposure and sanctions, etc.?
If so, then tread very carefully.
When you have a great relationship with the leader and colleagues that has gone on for years, like me, you may be ill-prepared for gaslighting. It’s very difficult for your brain to imagine that those who appear trustworthy are suddenly lying. It’s impossible to make sense of such a reversal, but reversal is the name of the game in gaslighting. Just because you have not experienced the leader telling lies in the past, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. All it means is, at that time, you didn’t have the full picture. Now that you are the one with the information, the picture might have changed significantly.
Your Brain Cares About Survival
The top priority for your brain is survival. When the alpha dog or the head of the pack says what direction to pursue, that’s where you go. When you disagree or dissent, it puts your brain on high alert. When you even question the leader, it puts your brain on high alert. It’s a good idea to be aware of your sympathetic stress response when you speak up and the reality of what you saw, heard, and felt is dismissed and denied. When you experience gaslighting, it causes a significant stress response that can overtake you, but you can also become skilled at managing it with the right preparation.
When you have spoken up, especially when you are the messenger of something destructive and serious, and the leader dismisses and denies the reality of what you’ve reported, your brain instantly recognizes the implied threat. It quickly assesses the unfolding scenario, which is that you are putting the leadership and their business at risk. If the leadership response is that you’re misinterpreting or blowing something out of proportion, it is an oblique way to say: look the other way if you know what’s good for you.
Many at work will look the other way, which will isolate the one speaking up. That’s why gaslighting is an effective tool for those who have a “larger plan.” Their larger plan is not being held responsible, avoiding lawsuits and negative media, and being safe from accountability and scrutiny. Their larger plan is to remain the decent hero in their own workplace story and legacy. If you’re the messenger of distressing information (think abuse, fraud, violation of standards, etc.), you can see why you might just get shot. The phrase “don’t shoot the messenger” has been in our culture for millennia, and it’s not going away anytime soon.
Gaslighting Works Like a Warning
Looking back, I realize on one level, the leader was warning me. He was not going to protect multiple targets who were being reported from many sources as suffering abuse. He was going to protect the perpetrators, for the simple reason that it was a tried-and-true strategy to protect himself. Repeat after me: Nothing happened on his watch. No one was negligent, least of all him.
When the brain is not trained to watch out for the reversals of gaslighting, it gets baffled by reporting abuse (or fraud or safety issues or whatever) and being told that it has made a mistake and, in fact, nothing’s happening. I mean, think of all the times you’ve heard about or read in the media that an independent investigation found that everything was fine. Really? The brain gets very confused when this happens. It doesn’t make sense. The brain cannot take in the usual onslaught of data and turn it into a coherent story, which is what it’s supposed to do. The brain hits a wall. It tries to solve the problem but instead finds itself stuck turning and turning like a broken record. A more accurate term for this is rumination.
In this moment, the brain becomes far easier to manipulate. Those who gaslight, those who care most about their own reputation and feel okay sacrificing a few dissenters or reporters or whistleblowers on the journey, are well aware that the more confused you are, the easier it is to manipulate you.
When Gaslighting Is Used Against You, Remember It’s Part of a Larger Plan
Now I know that the leader had an agenda and was using gaslighting to throw me off the scent. He didn’t want me to see the smoke, which was an indicator that indeed there was fire. The leader’s agenda was typical of institutions, organisations, and companies. He already knew about the abuse, but he had not protected targets in the past or those unsuspecting ones who would be damaged in the present and future. He was simply negligent, and my speaking up was putting him in jeopardy (along with other higher-ups who were also informed).
When he gaslit me, the idea was simply to put the focus on me and not the crisis. The more I wondered if I was not perceiving the situation correctly, was blowing it out of proportion, was being hysterical, making a mountain out of a molehill, the more the leader could control me and shut down any further scrutiny on the abuse that had occurred, was occurring, and would continue to occur into the future. This isn’t an outlier phenomenon. This is textbook.
Strategies to Stay Sane When You’re Being Gaslit
- No matter how well you know the leader, always prepare for lying, manipulating, and gaslighting when you report wrongdoing in whatever form.
- The more you document and put on paper – leave a paper trail – for what you are going to report, the better able you are to stay clearheaded about what is fact and protect yourself from threats.
- If you get pulled into a hall of mirrors, the favoured place of gaslighters, don’t look at your own reflection. Always stay focused on what you are reporting and how it is being handled.
- Watch out for your sympathetic stress response getting activated. It will make you feel confused. Use tools to calm down at all times. Activate your “rest and digest” system with mindfulness, exercise, spending time and communicating with your people, eating healthily, and sleeping well. If you’re being gaslit, you’re in a battle. You need to stay in top fighting form.
- If you do not have a habit or a track record of bringing abuse or corruption to the attention of the leader, don’t fall for the trap that somehow this is about you. Do not believe the lie that you are the one who can’t see facts and truth and respond appropriately. They will try to quickly erase your track record. Don’t let them. Keep referring to it every step of the way. It is where “reality” can be checked.
- Always remember to factor in the larger plan. When you’re being told you can’t see reality correctly, take a step back and ask yourself: What risks and threats am I exposing the leader to by reporting, and how does denying and dismissing what I am reporting give the leader an advantage?
As they say, when you are speaking up, it’s good to be playing chess and not checkers.
Dr Jennifer Fraser’s latest book, The Gaslit Brain, is due to be published in November 2025 and is available for pre-order at https://www.amazon.com/Gaslit-Brain-Gaslighting-Institutional-Complicity/dp/1493090925
