Coping mechanisms that stemmed from my dark past have helped to level up my career as an Executive Assistant, says Kristine Valenzuela
Never in a million years did I think there would be a time when my darkest secrets intersected with my professional life, but here we are. I’m choosing to write this on a hunch because after years of evaluating my life, my profession, and my habits, I’ve realized the coping mechanisms that stemmed from my dark past have helped to level up my career as an Executive Assistant. I know that sounds odd, but it’s true. My gut tells me many of you may have a similar past. What started as things I’d never tell anyone – not even my first therapist – have turned into professional superpowers, so let’s chat about getting from there to here.
I need to mention this article comes with a trigger warning, so if you’re sensitive to mentions of different forms of trauma, please skip the next three paragraphs. The last thing I want to do is make anyone’s struggle worse.
OK – deep exhale – where do I begin? I guess let’s start with the elephant in the room, which is so much easier to iterate now that I’m well into my healing journey. I was molested as a pre-teen.
This was inflicted by someone who was highly respected and known by everyone as being kind, friendly, and helpful, but who obviously had a dark side. On top of that, my parents married as teenagers and had my sister and me in their early twenties, which is to say they were not emotionally equipped to be married or raise a family. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, and dysfunction were other issues to bear, which I’ve come to realize was not necessarily intentional but rather was an outcome of two immature people trying their best during a time when image was everything. My third issue was a relationship later in life with a man that was the very definition of narcissistic. I never even knew something like that existed before that relationship. And lastly, I’ve recently suffered from PTSD that stemmed from finding my teenager daughter immediately after she attempted to kill herself and nearly succeeded.
That’s a lot. And that’s not to mention being married and divorced twice, being a single parent, suffering from situational depression, losing people close to me, being fired and laid off (once right after I purchased my first house), and suffering major financial setbacks, all of which are part of the usual life ups and downs. I’ve had a full life, yet I know for sure some people have suffered far, far worse than I have, so if that’s you, you have my deepest sympathy and support.
All that said, what does any of this have to do with our profession? There are a lot of parallels between situations we find ourselves in as administrators and trauma victims, and I think that’s why many of us stay in this profession. That’s the bombshell claim I believe ties many of us together. Again, this is just a hunch. I’m not saying everyone that’s an administrative professional has experience with the big T (trauma). No doubt many of you have had relatively normal lives, but what I’ve seen from the administrative community over the years tells me we’ve stayed in and excelled in this profession because we’ve developed similar mental scripts and coping strategies.
Tell me if any of these things sound familiar:
- They’re not a great boss nor a great person, but at least they’re paying me to be here.
- These long hours are killing me, but it’s part of my job to accommodate all requests, even if it puts me in a bind; I’m expected to be a ‘yes’ person.
- I’m freaked out over a spelling error I just discovered and I’m afraid I’ll get fired.
- I have to get all this done to make sure I get a good performance review.
- I don’t get paid overtime but I’m still willing to do extra work to get the job done; that’s how you make yourself layoff-proof.
- I can’t apply for a different job because I’m not qualified for anything else; they’ll just laugh at me for thinking I deserve to be there.
- I’m not leaving work until this is 100% perfect.
I’ve said all of these at one time or another, many times over. Come to think of it, all my fellow Assistant colleagues have. These are real issues that come with being an Executive or Administrative Assistant. But you know what else they’re part of? The therapy world would consider every one of these unhealthy, trauma-inflicted coping mechanisms like people-pleasing, overworking, hypervigilance, overpreparation, and perfectionism. The kicker is that you won’t see them as unhealthy – you may even think they’re normal – if you’ve spent time immersed in an unhealthy environment. The simple fact that you’re paid to tolerate these situations can make them bearable. If you’re wired like me, you may even look at this as a fun (albeit dysfunctional) challenge. “You want to pay me to test my thick skin with a boss that will yell at me from time to time? No sweat. Bring it on!” Yep, I’ve said that before. Proudly.
Living a trauma-filled life rewires your tolerance for unsuitable behavior, so to be paid to do something that feels normal to you is easy peasy. This is the crux of why I think many of us are drawn to this profession or stay in it. Speaking for myself, even though my job has always been a little crazy, it’s less crazy than my life has been, so I’ve managed well. That was my long-standing mental script until I learned to change it.
Let’s take this a step further. By virtue of what we do, we find ourselves involved with a power dynamic that may feel vaguely familiar to us if we’ve suffered at the hands of another person. And why is that? You guessed it – trauma. At work, there’s a person more entitled to power and a person with less of it, and that mimics the interplay between an abuser and a victim. Even though (hopefully) work is a much safer place, it doesn’t mean there aren’t similar structures to navigate. If firmly held power structures are part of your past experience, you’re probably used to listening to what you’re told, staying in the background, and having someone else take credit for your ideas, among other things. And you probably understand there are consequences for crossing those boundaries, something I learned being raised in a strict military household.
Again, all of this feels familiar to you, which may make it easier to be at ease with being an Assistant. Related, I think it’s also why someone may turn their nose up at the idea of being in this profession. The word ‘Assistant’ alone suggests being at the receiving end of a power dynamic that a normal, non-traumatized person wouldn’t want anything to do with.
Enough with the difficult look back, so let’s pivot to where I currently find myself in my career and healing journey. Am I 100% healed? Of course not. I never will be. I’ve learned that triggers and issues will always exist, so all I can do is learn to manage them when they appear. I’ve learned how empowering it is to have boundaries and enforce them. This allows me to avoid working for people that don’t align with my energy. I’m still willing to work hard and put in extra time when needed, but not for long periods and not at the expense of the things I value, like my family and friends. I still occasionally make mistakes, but I see them as human, and I know the right boss knows this too, so I don’t get too worked up over them. There isn’t enough money in the world to make me ever give up these new, healthy habits.
The highlight for me is that after therapy, medication, lots of reading and listening to podcasts, I’ve become good at turning trauma outcomes into professional superpowers. I’m thrilled to say I’ve gotten quite good at this. I really do feel as though my big T happened for me and not to me because it’s brought me to a point where I can openly talk about it and hopefully help others.
These are a few things that resulted from my experience that have added power to my position as an Executive Assistant:
Resilience
It’s an understatement to say I know I can get through anything, even the things I know nothing about. There is literally no work issue that can get thrown my way that I cannot figure out, and that has made me an invaluable EA. Think I can’t do something? That’s cute – guess again. The toughest of work days pales in comparison to what I’ve been through in life, so I think of every challenge through this lens.
Heightened Perception
What started out as needing to size up people in positions of power now allows me to be a master of pattern recognition. While this skill still helps to protect me, it also makes me good at reading people or reading a room. If a usually chatty person is suddenly quiet at a meeting, I’m quick to notice that’s odd relative to their usual state. This type of observation can offer critical information to my executive.
Strong Emotions
I’ve been labeled as ‘emotional’ for most of my life, but I prefer to call it what it really is: empathetic. I feel everything even if I don’t show it. This makes it easier to connect with bosses or coworkers who are struggling in any capacity and has infused life into my ability to build relationships. This has become one of my favorite parts of my job as an EA to a C-level leader.
Anxiety
I heard someone on a podcast say anxiety is a superpower, and I immediately thought, “Yes, finally!” Some parts of me knew anxiety had a positive side. The upside to it is that your heightened alertness allows you to think through and prepare (or over-prepare) solutions from a variety of perspectives and can jump-start your motivation. There’s not a boss in the world that doesn’t want an EA or an employee with these qualities.
Overexplaining
I had a habit of overexplaining myself in an attempt to protect myself from tough situations, but as an experienced EA, this has evolved into a willingness to provide context as much as possible. I’ve switched from talking too much in an effort to protect myself to offering information that can, and does, help others.
Conclusion
The topic has been something that’s been on my mind for a while, and I thought it was too important to keep under wraps. Trauma is an incredibly difficult subject to talk about, and since I had not seen that happen within our industry, I thought it was time to bring it out in the open. If you have suffered at any point in your life, please know that healing is possible, but it takes some work and time to navigate.
And as I’ve outlined, it’s also possible to turn a negative coping mechanism into something that fully powers you professionally. For those of you who struggle to be your best self so that you can be your best at work, I sincerely hope this opens a door for you and can help shine a light on a more purposeful future.
