The real kindness lies in helping someone improve, even if the truth is uncomfortable, explains Hiyam Abuguilah
Feedback is essential for personal and professional growth. Yet, in many environments, it’s softened to the point of ineffectiveness. While the intention may be kindness or diplomacy, sugar-coating often confuses and misses development opportunities.
In our fast-paced, results-driven world, professionals must ask themselves: Are we truly helping others by softening the truth, or are we doing them a disservice?
What Is Sugar-Coated Feedback?
Sugar-coated feedback avoids discomfort by being overly positive or vague.
For instance:
- Sugar-Coated: “John, I love your dedication. Just a few small tweaks, but great work overall!”
- Constructive: “John, I’ve noticed recurring errors in your reports. Accuracy is crucial – let’s review them together and build an improvement plan.”
The first leaves John unclear. The second, while direct, offers clarity and a path forward.
Why Do We Sugar-Coat Feedback?
There are several reasons why people hesitate to give direct feedback:
- Fear of hurting feelings: Many believe that direct feedback will damage relationships or hurt the other person’s self-esteem.
- Desire to be liked: Leaders or colleagues may worry about being seen as harsh or overly critical.
- Avoidance of conflict: Giving honest feedback can be uncomfortable, especially when emotions are involved.
- Lack of communication skills: Some people simply don’t know how to deliver constructive criticism effectively.
- Cultural or organizational norms: In some organizations, a culture of indirect communication makes it difficult to speak straightforwardly.
The Hidden Costs
While sugar-coating may feel easier, it has real consequences:
- Lack of improvement: Employees unaware of their weaknesses can’t grow.
- Loss of trust: Vague praise can lead to feelings of betrayal when actual performance doesn’t align with recognition.
- Wasted time: Ambiguity leads to repeated mistakes and inefficiencies.
- Poor performance management: Employees don’t understand why they’re overlooked for promotions.
- Frustration: Managers feel unheard; employees feel blindsided when consequences arise.
A Personal Wake-Up Call
Kindness without clarity is silent permission to fail.
Early in my career, my manager avoided confrontation. I formed unacceptable habits such as forwarding emails without clearance and skipping documentation because no one corrected me. When a new manager arrived with clear, direct feedback, I was shocked to learn I’d been doing things wrong for years.
How to Give Honest, Constructive Feedback
Being direct doesn’t mean being unkind. Here are strategies that foster both clarity and compassion:
Use the SBI Model (Situation – Behavior – Impact)
Instead of vague comments, use a structured approach:
- Situation: Describe the context.
- Behavior: Highlight the specific behavior.
- Impact: Explain the effect.
Example: “In last week’s meeting, I noticed you interrupted the client several times, which made it difficult for them to express their concerns. Let’s work on improving our listening skills during client interactions.”
2. Offer actionable suggestions
Feedback should guide improvement, not just point out faults.
- Weak: “You need to be more professional.”
- Strong: “In meetings, try to maintain eye contact and avoid checking your phone – it helps establish credibility.”
3. Deliver feedback in private
Constructive criticism should be shared in a confidential setting. Public praise is great for morale, but public criticism damages trust.
4. Encourage a growth mindset
Frame feedback as a learning opportunity.
- Instead of: “You didn’t meet expectations.”
- Say: “This was a challenging task, and you’re still building those skills. Here’s how we can tackle it better next time.”
Follow up
Check in regularly to ensure progress and offer support. Feedback is most effective when it’s part of an ongoing dialogue, not a one-time event.
Final Thoughts
Sugar-coated feedback may seem polite, but it delays growth, damages trust, and undermines performance. Leadership demands the courage to be honest. The real kindness lies in helping someone improve, even if the truth is uncomfortable.
Ask yourself: Am I helping this person grow, or just avoiding discomfort?
References
Leshchenko, D. (2024). “Cut the Fluff: Why Sugar Coating Doesn’t Work.” Inc.
https://www.inc.com/darialeshchenko/cut-the-fluff-why-sugar-coating-doesnt-work/91066968
Scott, K. (2017). Radical Candor: Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity.
